Teaching in Times of Non-Conflict

Do you ever find yourself disciplining your child over and over again for some of the very same offenses? Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, “Why is this child not getting it? You’d think he would understand as many times as we have disciplined him for this.” Well, if the only time you teach your child is when he does something wrong, then perhaps you might rethink some of your teaching methods.

 Gary Ezzo, the author of Growing Kids God’s Way said the following: “Moral truth is best communicated in periods of non-conflict. That doesn’t mean we will not teach at times of correction, but it does mean a healthy dose of moral enlightenment should take place throughout the day and in the moments of non-conflict, when the child is not in a position to have to defend his or her actions.”

It is very easy to fall into the trap of expecting our children to know how to behave even though we have never really spent time instructing them. Then when they embarrass us at WalMart, in a restaurant or while visiting in the home of a friend, we resort to a rather abbreviated and aggravated form of training that focuses primarily on what not to do rather than what should have been done. Certainly correction is appropriate in these situations, but may I suggest to you a more effective way.

Before the trip to WalMart, the restaurant or the friend’s home, sit down with your child and teach him what good behavior looks like. Explain what will take place and what you expect. Tell what it means to sit still. Describe the things we don’t touch. Warn of some of the temptations that may arise. Teach how to properly respond to them. Refresh their memory regarding good manners. Then take time to practice. Do a little role playing. Pretend you are pushing the cart through the checkout line. Have the child ask for some M&M’s. Tell the child “No”, then have him respond politely with “Ok, Mommy.” Pretend you are at the supper table in your friend’s home, pass a plate with the “make believe” pie, have your son respond with “thank-you”. This can be a fun time, a lot more fun than waiting for the conflict to arise.

Actually, there are three times we can teach: before, during and after the behavior occurs. If you will spend more time teaching beforehand, the during and after lessons will be far less stressful.